First day highs and lows

Oof. In some ways my first day was great. One of the ways is that it was infinitely better than the nightmare I had two nights before, in which I forgot about class, lost track of time until 10 minutes before class was scheduled to start, then tried unsuccessfully to catch a cab to school in the pouring rain while also realizing that I'd forgotten to print out my syllabus or to prepare for the first day. I woke up in a crazy panic and sweat, surprised at my anxiety leading up to the first day.

My first class went great. Nothing super special to report about it except that I felt really good about it. Because my school works on a semester system, I had all new kids, so I explained that I am a student teacher and what that means (since some of them were expecting a different teacher since the class was listed under the master teacher's name). I gave out my syllabus (which I did remember to print out!) and gave out a letter I wrote to the students introducing myself that also served as a model for a Dear Teacher letter they were to write to me for homework. The kids (10th graders) were/are energetic and active though not disruptive and overall a lively and happy group.

I set it up so that my 9th grade class would be doing basically the same things as my 10th grade class for the first week since I knew I'd be a little nervous getting started. Therefore, you'd think the second class that day would be easier--well, certainly not harder--than the first. Not so.

In my first class, my master teacher was out of the room, so I felt a lot more at ease since I wasn't being observed like in the second class. I think there was also a slightly different feeling in the room from the students' perspective as well since the master teacher sitting in the back may have given them the initial impression that I was just a sub or teaching on a trial basis or something. In fact, before I could explain that I'm a student teacher, a student asked, "I thought Ms. Z. was teaching this class," which I felt kind of put me on the defensive. Also, the way that room is set up, there's no desk in the front of the room, so I found myself shuffling around to find all my papers, whereas I was able to lay all my papers out nicely in the other class. Finally, this master teacher, Ms. Z., spoke to me in a very harsh way earlier in the semester--I actually can't remember anyone speaking to me in that way in my entire life--so I feel some anxiety when I'm around her in a position where she could criticize me.

Anyway, all of this added up to me being nervous and not feeling that confident.

One other thing that happened is that I put something in my syllabus that my master teacher had advised me against, and we had a misunderstanding about that. My sense was that she didn't think it was a good idea; her sense was that she was forbidding me from doing it. The issue was me assigning them to write in journals that I bought for them (they were on sale for $.99 each, so I splurged) and telling them that I would check these journals each week to see that they'd written at least 2 pages/week, but that I would not read the journals. (I was just going to check as an incentive for them to write.) I idealistically came up with this after seeing "The Freedom Writers." She felt this could be a liability issue; I felt (but didn't say) that I didn't care about that.

Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that my master teacher freaked out to my other master teacher, saying that she doesn't think I'm prepared to be a teacher and that she's not sure how she feels about me taking over her class (even though these are new kids--not her class from last semester). This teacher had let me know from the very beginning that she did not want a student teacher, and I know I was kind of forced on her against her will. She also let me know that she is very controlling. Agreed.

Anyway, today--day two--was much better because she was not in school today, so she wasn't observing my class. I felt so much more at ease.

Well, that's it for now.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.