Oof. In some ways my first day was great. One of the ways is that it was infinitely better than the nightmare I had two nights before, in which I forgot about class, lost track of time until 10 minutes before class was scheduled to start, then tried unsuccessfully to catch a cab to school in the pouring rain while also realizing that I'd forgotten to print out my syllabus or to prepare for the first day. I woke up in a crazy panic and sweat, surprised at my anxiety leading up to the first day.
My first class went great. Nothing super special to report about it except that I felt really good about it. Because my school works on a semester system, I had all new kids, so I explained that I am a student teacher and what that means (since some of them were expecting a different teacher since the class was listed under the master teacher's name). I gave out my syllabus (which I did remember to print out!) and gave out a letter I wrote to the students introducing myself that also served as a model for a Dear Teacher letter they were to write to me for homework. The kids (10th graders) were/are energetic and active though not disruptive and overall a lively and happy group.
I set it up so that my 9th grade class would be doing basically the same things as my 10th grade class for the first week since I knew I'd be a little nervous getting started. Therefore, you'd think the second class that day would be easier--well, certainly not harder--than the first. Not so.
In my first class, my master teacher was out of the room, so I felt a lot more at ease since I wasn't being observed like in the second class. I think there was also a slightly different feeling in the room from the students' perspective as well since the master teacher sitting in the back may have given them the initial impression that I was just a sub or teaching on a trial basis or something. In fact, before I could explain that I'm a student teacher, a student asked, "I thought Ms. Z. was teaching this class," which I felt kind of put me on the defensive. Also, the way that room is set up, there's no desk in the front of the room, so I found myself shuffling around to find all my papers, whereas I was able to lay all my papers out nicely in the other class. Finally, this master teacher, Ms. Z., spoke to me in a very harsh way earlier in the semester--I actually can't remember anyone speaking to me in that way in my entire life--so I feel some anxiety when I'm around her in a position where she could criticize me.
Anyway, all of this added up to me being nervous and not feeling that confident.
One other thing that happened is that I put something in my syllabus that my master teacher had advised me against, and we had a misunderstanding about that. My sense was that she didn't think it was a good idea; her sense was that she was forbidding me from doing it. The issue was me assigning them to write in journals that I bought for them (they were on sale for $.99 each, so I splurged) and telling them that I would check these journals each week to see that they'd written at least 2 pages/week, but that I would not read the journals. (I was just going to check as an incentive for them to write.) I idealistically came up with this after seeing "The Freedom Writers." She felt this could be a liability issue; I felt (but didn't say) that I didn't care about that.
Anyway, the upshot of all of this is that my master teacher freaked out to my other master teacher, saying that she doesn't think I'm prepared to be a teacher and that she's not sure how she feels about me taking over her class (even though these are new kids--not her class from last semester). This teacher had let me know from the very beginning that she did not want a student teacher, and I know I was kind of forced on her against her will. She also let me know that she is very controlling. Agreed.
Anyway, today--day two--was much better because she was not in school today, so she wasn't observing my class. I felt so much more at ease.
Well, that's it for now.
We'll see how tomorrow goes.
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3 comments:
I once had an early morning job waiting tables, and I hated it so much that I somehow, mysteriously turned off my alarm clock almost every day. The phone usually woke me up--my boss saying where the hell are you.
For years after that--years--I would wake up once or twice a month with a terrible start, thinking I was late for my shift.
I still dream that I'm missing class, and wake up in a sweat. Or I'll be sitting somewhere on my day off and suddenly get a jolt of panic, thinking that I've forgotten my students. I actually see them in my mind, fingers drumming on their notebooks.
It's stress: the bread and butter of educators.
I know that this sounds like cheap advice, but don't let your master teacher intimidate you. Master teachers can sometimes be the most crusty, embittered people that this world can create. It comes from living with daily fear for thirty years. Study it. Learn from it. Observe the creases in their faces like a specialist in leather forensics examining a baseball glove. Was this a softball player? An oufielder? A teacher's face is a map of her travails, like the history of wind that is written in coastal trees.
If a teacher is trying to intimidate you, it's because you scare her. Ask yourself what she's afraid of, then try to dispell that fear.
Also, you've made me want to see "Freedom Writers."
Bard Boy has some good advice about learning from this master teacher. She is definitely in your life right now for a reason, and I had to remind myself over and over again of the same advice last year when I taught seniors for the first time. I had schpilkes every morning! Remember, the body can't tell the difference between fear and excitement, so use whatever nervousness you're experiencing to walk this path of teaching. It's the best job in the world!
Oh, two recommendations for wonderful teaching books: The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer and The Big Picture by Dennis Littky :)
Thanks for the book tips, SatnamDanielle! I'll look into those. Used, of course. Your schpilkes made me terawarosu.
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