Hold on to your friends

Teaching is so solitary and can be a big hit to your confidence if it doesn't go well in the beginning and if you interpret that to mean something bad about you. This has helped me see the importance of being with and relying on friends to remind myself that I'm more than the harsh way I judged/am still sort of judging myself for my 9th grade class.

(Incidentally, I've been listening to a lot of Morrissey/The Smiths lately (probably my favorite ever--and despite the reputation for being overwhelming depressing and sad he/they actually make me happy). I listened to him/them all the time in college but haven't really in a few years until recently, and I've had the song "Hold on to Your Friends" in my head all week, perhaps for a reason other than that it's a great song.)

So Friday night I had dinner with my great friend Ari and gave him the rundown of my first week. I had had a meeting earlier Friday morning with the mean master teacher to discuss my plans for next week, and that was tough. I had had some question marks in my plans for next week, which were going to depend on talking to the librarian to finalize when we could use the room we'd need to begin the research for their creation myth projects. I told my master teacher my plan for Monday, which is basically set--we're going to start discussing mythology and looking at why esp. Greek mythology is still prominent in our culture today. (e.g., our planets, some corporations, products, even some songs refer to them) We have no class Tuesday (thankfully, because of the exit exam schedule), and I have my plan for Wednesday basically set--to go over the reading from Monday's HW (an intro to world mythology). Thurs and Fri, I told her, we'd either start on reading and interpreting a couple of Greek myths, doing an activity from this book that another teacher had just given me, or go to the library. She was irritated that I hadn't finalized this. "Just put yourself in my position. We can even switch chairs and role play. How would you think I would feel about how sure you are for next week? What would you say if you were me in response to what you said?" she asked. I told her I'd say, "It sounds like you've got some good ideas and have the week mostly worked out and just need to make a couple decisions to finalize the plans." She seemed to not really be able to argue with that, but the whole meeting I felt like she was judging me, like I should be more prepared, like she could at any moment yell at me (like she did a couple months ago) about not having myself together, etc.

When I told Ari this story, he really challenged me in such great ways. I don't remember most of what he said, but I remember what I came away with. First, I realized how much I'm trying to please this teacher--or, if not please than at least appease. It's like I'm motivated in that class by my fear of her. How ridiculous! Ari asked me such a great question: What is your intention in teaching? While there is some practicality involved in terms of the master teacher evaluating me, which could have an impact on getting a job next year, but that's such a conventional concern. My reason for student teaching is not, if I really think about it, to get a job. It's to learn, to grow, to help young people think critically and to be able to express themselves confidently and to empathize and relate to others.

My experience with that teacher has also brought back a lot of memories of a really abusive relationship I've spent the last couple of years getting over: that with an old boss of mine who has made probably half of his employees cry *in the office* at one point or another over the years. My analysis of him has been that his own vision of himself grew/grows as he put/s down and minimized/s the skills and contributions of others, and I have been warned that some master teachers do the same thing in order to preserve their authority as *master* teacher. It's been like 3 years since I left that job, and I have spent the time since then rebuilding my self esteem. I am present to the impact of that boss on the way I'm relating to this master teacher. I'm practically cowering to please her, wanting her acknowledgment and praise, fearing she'll yell at me--as if I'm a puppy still trying to figure out the rules of the house and how my "master" will punish me if I make a mistake. This is just not who I am and not who I want to be. It doesn't help my students and it doesn't help me. I am going to talk to her about this. I want to spend some time to work out exactly how I want to approach her--she's a tough cookie--because I know she could react really harshly and make my life more difficult. Either way, looking at and approaching the class as my own and her as a mentor and resource rather than a boss--or freakin' master, as her title calls her--will begin to shift this dynamic.

A classic sports analogy seems apt (and timely, on Super Bowl Sunday) : play to win rather than play not to lose.

I had some great QT with friends this weekend, which has helped to ground me and remind me how petty and unimportant my concerns are for my class in terms of my own self esteem or anything I should take personally. Now I'm going to go for a walk with two of my closest friends who have always been there for me--my friend Jeannie, who's biking over here as I write this, and my dog, who is napping on her dog bed at the moment but is about to be very excited.

Then I've got to get to work.