Overcome by Ambivalence

As I approach my final day of classes tomorrow, I have been feeling so overcome with emotion this weekend and these last few weeks. On the one hand, I'm completely exhausted. I'm feeling somewhat burnt out and totally ready for a break. Whereas I had envisioned my life totally freeing up and devoting hours and hours to preparing for class and catching up on grading once our portfolio was due and classes at State were over, that has not happened at all. In fact, I've been fighting this battle in my head between (a) wanting to get caught up and do a whole bunch of work as soon as I get done with teaching each day to (b) wanting to take a nap as soon as I get home from school and hang out with friends and lounge with my dog at the park and watch the NBA playoffs (not to mention the pathetic Yankees) and take care of stuff (like plans for the summer, housing situations, bills, laundry, actually trying to get a job next year), which I have badly neglected all semester. Let's just say schoolwork has not been winning this battle in my head. In fact, I have been shockingly last minute in my preperation, and yet I feel like I am in a position of being experienced enough now to be this last minute. I actually feel good about just about everything I've done in my classes since this wave of slackerness has come upon me, which I find impressive and just short of miraculous. I suppose it takes me much less time to prepare, and I've been preparing accordingly.

Another component of my ambivalence is the battle in my head between wanting school to be over and wanting it to continue. There are two things at work here. First, the less charming side: I have SO much grading to do in the next 8 days, it is actually really exhausting to even think about. I would love to not feel so rushed, though I suppose it's nice to have that extrnal deadline to cut things off. The more romantic and sweet and interesting and meaningful aspect of the ambivalence is that I'm really going to miss teaching these classses and being with these students five days a week. As much work as it has been, I really have had a great time. I can honestly say that I've had fun teaching virtually every class this semester. (Most of the exceptions were at the beginning, where the "mean master teacher," as she became known, was observing me in all my ineptitude.)

Kids in both my classes asked me this week if I was going to be teaching there next year and I said probably not (though there is really no reason for the "probably" except that I suppose anything is possible; as far as I can gather, they are not hiring in the department and nobody has spoken to me about next year). It was very sweet to see that the kids appeared to be disappointed about this. One of my 9th graders said we should have a party for me. Another student said, "Yeah, we were your first students, right?" They're so cute.

I'm going to miss my 9th graders putting the chairs in a circle everyday before class and putting them back to their boring, traditional arrangement at the end. I'm going to miss two of my 10th graders arguing over which of them I like better. I'm going to miss the adorable and excited ways some of my kids say hi to me in the hallways and when they get to class. I'm going to miss my own poking fun at myself when I screw up now in class. I'm going to miss coming up with cool assignments that they are actually excited to do, and making them laugh by finding creative ways to teach things. (When teaching the definition of a malapropism (a misused word), I gave them the example that "I have a great infection [instead of affection] for them." (That still cracks me up!)) I'm going to miss the absolute shock and relief I feel at the end of class each day when I realize that there has been no major catastrophe. I'm even going to miss the shell-shocked looks on the kids' faces whenever I assign an essay, the BS stories a couple of my kids regularly give me about not having their homework, the same kids always coming in late and apologizing for it in new and different ways each time, calling kids out for their inattention in ways that I find amusing (yet respectful), and the sorrowful and even ashamed way students have about them when asked about not having done their work.

I look forward to finishing my grading so I can start recording these things more thoroughly. Or do I not look forward to it?