The assistant principal of curriculum offered to observe my class at some point to write me a reference and said I should let her know if I would like her to and when would be a good time. She asked me that over a month ago, and ever since then I have thought about it but have been too nervous to invite her to a particular class because I feel like I would want to be ultra-prepared (or at least not stressing 5 minutes before class to get prepared) and confident for a class she's observing, and I never really feel that way. I actually felt pretty secure in my plans for class on Friday, and I had asked her earlier in the week if she would observe. She asked me to email her the days and times and room numbers, but she never wrote back to me. I was shocked to find myself too nervous to go back to her office and remind her or ask her if she was available or planning on coming to observe. I passively was (again) just completely ambivalent--part of me hoping she'd come to class and be blown away by what an amazing teacher I am, part of me hoping she wouldn't come and find out what a crappy teacher I am. Ugh.
She didn't come. During class I felt a bit relieved about that at times, but after class (which went very well, as it just about always does), I felt really disappointed in myself for being so timid about the whole thing. So I just emailed her again and invited her to my classes tomorrow, both of which I feel confident about. There's really not much to lose by her observing and a lot to gain. It's interesting, though, that I feel really good about the job I have done and very confident about the job I do each day, yet at the thought of being observed and evaluated potentially for a job I feel like I'm going to be exposed as a fraud or something. I suppose this is a somewhat typical experience, but it is too petty for me to give my energy to these days. I have earned more than that and don't want to sell myself short.
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